i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
