Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
