Fuck appropriateness.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
