1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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