So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
A bitchslap is in order.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
