wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
