I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
