so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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