I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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