Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
