Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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