I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
