he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
