She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
bring money and cleavage
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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