I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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