Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
