hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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