Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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