I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
