Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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