took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
