Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
God, I missed his penis.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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