The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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