Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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