sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
