Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
