He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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