Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
