bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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