why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
