I accidentally burped into my bong.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
