im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
