My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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