She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
