I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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