i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
