you told grandpa to call you daddy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
