gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
