Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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