a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
