At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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