i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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