Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
