Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
