dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
