After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
