i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I need mimosas to revive my soul
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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