i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
