I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
