I am midnight drunk by noon
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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