Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
