I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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