i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
