sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
