so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
