He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
