she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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